I can’t believe I haven’t blogged about this pregnancy once. Not a single time. I was giving weekly updates with Nathan from week 20 on and I think I did with William too. I hope this little guy doesn’t hold it against me. I’ve only taken 2 belly shots too. Oh dear.

I’ve noticed that I tend not to write lately if I am stressed or things are too hectic. I’ve written if I am angry or depressed before and learned that those two emotions and writing definitely don’t mix well. But writing only when you’re happy is pretty unrealistic too since life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I think writing when I am feeling reflective is probably the best time so here it goes.

After coming home from vacation in August, life was definitely a roller coaster. Since I tend to get motion sickness very easily, it was not a pleasant time to say the least. I wasn’t handling stress well, feeling very reactive with my husband and kids and generally overwhelmed with a deep fear of life in general.

Then suddenly, something shifted. I have no idea what it was but I am so thankful for it. I began finally feeling like I could manage my life. We were going through a very challenging time with Nathan and I managed to stop reacting with anger, fear and desperation and started leading by example. By remaining calm, in control and positive in the face of chaos, things started turning around.

Instead of feeling increasingly hysterical and irrational in my marriage, I started to feel more grounded.

Rather than reacting to Los Angeles with rage and paralyzing fear, I started seeing the huge network of support we have here. I began to see opportunity, connection and perhaps even a little fun.

Slowly, day after day, I began gluing the pieces of myself back together that had completely shattered. I suppose that instead of feeling like every single second that ticked by was a threat to my very existence, I learned the value in setting my sails and weathering the storm.

Before William’s birth, I couldn’t fathom what it would be like for another human being to join our family. I feel much the same way this time. I just can’t connect with the idea that we will soon be a family of five. But I am relieved to feel that at least baby #3 will be brought into a home that has some backbone to it now. Things may be challenging and at times feel overwhelming, but I no longer think I will completely fracture. I hope that I continue navigating the waters instead of constantly jumping overboard for fear the boat will sink. I don’t think this boat ever sinks. And my family deserves someone who will stay at the wheel.