I’ve come to realize something lately and it’s very simple – I am a creative being. I have been working out the left side of my brain for a very long time. I’ve done marvelously at it; acing every physiology, anatomy, pharmacology, pathophysiology, etc class I’ve ever taken. I achieved a deep sense of satisfaction with every A I got. But it was not a peaceful satisfaction. Rather it was the type of satisfaction I imagine a boxer feels when he lands himself a knockout – an “I’ll show you!” type of satisfaction. Perhaps it stems from performing so horribly throughout my entire elementary, middle, and high school years. Perhaps it was from the hidden defeat I felt at seeing others achieve academic success when I had resigned myself to complete indifference, aversion, and distain for any type of schooling. Who knows? But I’ve reached a point in my life where I can safely say “mission accomplished.” I did it. I proved wasn’t stupid. But there has been something sorely missing. While I was busy – or not busy – at nearly failing most of my classes in high school, I was furiously writing. I wrote poetry, essays, short stories, anything I could think of. I would write on paper bags at work or takeout menus or napkins when I could find nothing else to write on. I would stay up until 4 or 5am writing with purpose and passion almost every single night. It came effortlessly through me and I completely surrendered to it. Then suddenly, for reasons unknown, I stopped. That creative muscle slowly began to atrophy over the years until whatever life force I had, fell asleep. But lately it has been knocking on the door again. I make terrible grammatical errors, spelling mistakes (thank you spell check!), and have little patience for proofreading – but it’s back on my doorstep again. I’ve decided that instead of dismissing it as useless or a waste of time that could otherwise be productive, I am going to honor it. I invite creativity back in! Perhaps it will be a short visit, but I hope not. I realize I’ve missed far more of myself than I am comfortable with. So bear with me. It’s a muscle that I hope to keep working out with consistency and dedication. I will also be learning to play piano again (something I’ve also sorely missed) and taking a photography class at a local photography school in January as well as the creative writing classes I am signing up for. I have no agenda other than to say hello to myself again and hopefully, if I am lucky, connect with others. I am so excited I can barely stand it.

I feel the need for a start fresh here in Texas, so I have switched blogs. I am going to post things like poetry I’ve written in addition to my usual updates. I hope to post more frequently even it’s short. The time for a change has come 🙂

Things here have been going quite well. Today I had my first ever parent-teacher conference at Nathan’s school. I was bracing myself for doom, especially after some dismal test results I received from the school district. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised. Nathan has grown tremendously since the beginning of the school year. He still struggles greatly with his fine motor skills to the point that it hinders his ability to do schoolwork but we are going to begin intensive therapy for that, which will begin soon. But academically he is pretty much right where he should be. Socially, he has found his rhythm. There are still deficits but he is functioning. This is tremendously good news considering where we were during the first couple of weeks in school when they told me he may not be able to function in a regular classroom environment. The teacher is happy. I am happy. And above all else, Nathan is happy.

I have a series of meetings coming up to finalize the IEP plan and go over the massive slew of assessments that have been conducted over the past couple of months. One thing remains clear through all of this, Nathan is very uncooperative on standardized tests, which results in dismal scores that do not in any way reflect his true ability or level of functioning. I’ve learned this the hard way. The first test result I ever got back stated that he may not even be able to understand spoken language. That moment nearly broke me. It was in the early days when everything was unsure and only time would tell if the results of the assessments were accurate. They were very scary and very lonely times. Since then, Nathan continues to make progress by leaps and bounds despite whatever the tests predict.

So next week I have a meeting to go over the dismal 34-page test results and then another meeting to go over and finalize the education plan and services he will receive through the school district. Fun, fun, fun.

William started a new school this week. I was fighting traffic every day getting him to and from the old school. I picked the school before we moved here and I had no idea how bad the traffic would be (nothing compared to LA – but still an inconvenience). I had no idea there was a great little preschool directly across the street, so I took a tour last week and decided it would fit perfectly and there you have it. I dramatically decreased my morning stress and found a school that William will be happy and that I like better anyway.

Colin is as curious and playful as ever. He continues to try and pull all the books off the shelves and eat them. This happens several times a day and can get a little old. I am hoping he loses interest in the books soon enough. He is still a very easy baby to go on outings with, for which I remain deeply grateful. I can take him grocery shopping, on errands, etc and he rarely fusses unless he is hungry or tired. He loves to watch his brothers and always tries to involve himself by crawling over to wherever they are playing and chew on their toys. It’s cute but Nathan and William don’t like it very much.

As for me and David, it’s more of the same. I am done with school in another month and a half and David is plugging away at work. But one thing is clear, we are happy with our lives right now and where we are living. It’s as though someone opened all the windows and let fresh air into our lives. It feels great to breathe deeply.

It took no time at all for us to settle right into our new life here in Texas. We’ve been here for a little over five weeks and it feels like we’ve been here for years. I feel like I am finally bouncing back from the nightmare of living in Los Angeles and Austin has handed me my life back. And while I miss our family and friends, this is a great feeling!

(It is REALLY hot here! This particular day was brutal at 103 degrees and the boys show it!)

After a bit of a rough start, Nathan is settling into Kindergarten. Everything is still a bit unpredictable but we are taking things a day at a time. I told the teacher the main thing I want to see this year is growth. He may not be where the other kids are yet but as long as there has been both social and academic growth, I am happy. The public school environment may just not be for him, in which case we will homeschool. But for now, we’ll see how it goes. We have Nathan enrolled in soccer and so far he loves it 🙂 He says he really wants to play football so we’ll see about that too! I think the more he gets involved in sports, the better off he will be but since I have no athletic inclination whatsoever, I completely understand if it’s not for him. I would be just as happy with boys who loved piano or theater as I would with ones who love soccer and football!

(At the Austin Aquarium)

William settled into his new school as well and is very happy. After a few pouty faces the first couple of weeks, he now smiles happily when he goes into his classroom. He seems to have made a friend and really enjoys his days there. I love the school too and think it’s a great fit for him. He plays in a little sports league through his school on Thursdays and it’s pretty adorable to watch him play. Each week they learn to play a different sport. Last week it was basketball and the week before it was soccer. I want all kids to learn martial arts and play an instrument as well but this is a great little introduction into team sports and William loves it 🙂

(Feeding goats at the zoo.)

Colin is his usual busy little self. This kid is definitely not one for cuddles. He would much rather be moving around and exploring that getting snuggles, which was very different from William and Nathan, both of whom I could always count on for a squeeze or nap with mama. He is starting to walk with his walker (this is the first time we have ever had one) and is so proud of himself when he makes it across the floor!

(Feeding birds at the aquarium.)

David is liking his new job a lot. He’s still in training and will be until after the holidays so we are getting used to a typical five days per week schedule. He is just as happy about living in Texas as I am and we are having a blast exploring all the state parks and seeing everything our new home has to offer.

(Our Saturday night music spot.)

I think the main thing I have noticed over the past few weeks is how overwhelmed I have been with gratitude lately. I feel so grateful for my family, for our new home, and for what feels like a second chance to be happy. It’s all very, very good.

 

We made it to Texas!

There have definitely been a few realizations that crossed my path since this process began. It feels almost like giving birth and letting go all at the same time. Most of it has to do with marriage, family, and self and was the result of going through such an emotionally charged time when we really had to pull together so we could move forward.

Here is what I realized:
I’ve decided that marriage isn’t something that just happens to you. It’s as though one doesn’t just get married, one becomes married over time. It’s a slow metamorphosis. Instead of being focused on what’s best for me or what I want to do, it becomes what’s best for us and what do we want to do. What’s going to benefit our family? And this usually involves a bit of self-sacrifice. At first, I thought that was a bad thing. If you had asked me 10 years ago, I would have said that anything that involves even the slightest bit of self-sacrifice is wrong and unhealthy for you. Today, I no longer think this is true. I think it’s part of growing up, having a family, and loving others.

Letting go to me means no longer being the center of my own universe. As with getting married, it doesn’t automatically happen the second you have a family. I’ve had my own education and career plans for as long as I can remember and have been breaking my back in school for the past few years. One degree is around the corner (finished in December) and I was planning on getting my master’s immediately afterwards. But somehow this just isn’t sitting so well with me anymore. I am really feeling the strain of constantly dividing my attention and the result is that nothing gets the focus it deserves. Our family keeps growing, my kids are getting bigger and David is finally done with graduate school. The only time I don’t feel like I am completely wasting my time and energy is when I am spending it at home with my children and husband and that should tell me something.

I guess the process of uprooting myself and my family made me fairly introspective. Leaving California was filled with mixed emotions. I generally felt thrilled to finally be getting out but that was also mixed with feeling like I couldn’t believe we were bold and brazen enough to actually go through with it. It was also full of very painful goodbyes. Saying goodbye to my dad was the hardest. I cried for hours. I’ll never forget how I couldn’t believe one person could feel so many different emotions all at the same time.
But now that we’re finally here, things have settled down and we are all settling in. So far so good. I love it here. I love the slower pace of life, the friendly people, and the open countryside.