We made it to Texas!

There have definitely been a few realizations that crossed my path since this process began. It feels almost like giving birth and letting go all at the same time. Most of it has to do with marriage, family, and self and was the result of going through such an emotionally charged time when we really had to pull together so we could move forward.

Here is what I realized:
I’ve decided that marriage isn’t something that just happens to you. It’s as though one doesn’t just get married, one becomes married over time. It’s a slow metamorphosis. Instead of being focused on what’s best for me or what I want to do, it becomes what’s best for us and what do we want to do. What’s going to benefit our family? And this usually involves a bit of self-sacrifice. At first, I thought that was a bad thing. If you had asked me 10 years ago, I would have said that anything that involves even the slightest bit of self-sacrifice is wrong and unhealthy for you. Today, I no longer think this is true. I think it’s part of growing up, having a family, and loving others.

Letting go to me means no longer being the center of my own universe. As with getting married, it doesn’t automatically happen the second you have a family. I’ve had my own education and career plans for as long as I can remember and have been breaking my back in school for the past few years. One degree is around the corner (finished in December) and I was planning on getting my master’s immediately afterwards. But somehow this just isn’t sitting so well with me anymore. I am really feeling the strain of constantly dividing my attention and the result is that nothing gets the focus it deserves. Our family keeps growing, my kids are getting bigger and David is finally done with graduate school. The only time I don’t feel like I am completely wasting my time and energy is when I am spending it at home with my children and husband and that should tell me something.

I guess the process of uprooting myself and my family made me fairly introspective. Leaving California was filled with mixed emotions. I generally felt thrilled to finally be getting out but that was also mixed with feeling like I couldn’t believe we were bold and brazen enough to actually go through with it. It was also full of very painful goodbyes. Saying goodbye to my dad was the hardest. I cried for hours. I’ll never forget how I couldn’t believe one person could feel so many different emotions all at the same time.
But now that we’re finally here, things have settled down and we are all settling in. So far so good. I love it here. I love the slower pace of life, the friendly people, and the open countryside.