Smooth sailing… so far.  I’ve been reading the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown over the past… well… 2 months.  It takes me a long time to finish a book!  But it’s a wonderful book about vulnerability and the courage of “showing up” and living bravely in the face of insecurity, doubt, and the voices in our heads that like to convince us we are not enough.  One of the things she discusses is called “vulnerability armory,” which is ways we try to get around our vulnerabilities and the defenses that take us down the road of disconnection and self-protection.  Foreboding Joy is one such defense.  It’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop or to assume that because things are going well, then something terrible must surely be around the corner to ruin it for us.  We do this because the vulnerability we feel when we are truly happy and the fear that creeps in when we think of the sadness or disappointment we would most surely experience if something happened to take our joy and happiness away, would be crushing.  So as self-protection, we brace ourselves as a type of anticipatory grieving.  It’s an insurance for in case something catastrophic does actually happen, we won’t feel as crushed by it.

I never realized how much I did this until I read her book.  Even now, I am aware of my tendency to want to brace myself for something awful to happen and ruin the relative calm we’ve been experiencing.  Nathan is doing well in school, William is happy and thriving, and Colin is growing up as healthy and mischievous as ever.  I catch myself multiple times a day thinking of how short this is going to last and how I should try to relish the obviously naïve state I am existing in since this won’t last.  And while it’s true that things are constantly changing and in reality, this will change too, there’s no need to be bracing myself.  I should just enjoy the moment for what it is.  We never know how long we have on this planet and I want to feel happiness as it should be felt.  Freely, wholly, unapologetically.