Things I’ve learned since being diagnosed with cancer.

1 – When you’re afraid, reframe.

One of the first tests I had done after it was confirmed I had cancer was a bone scan.  I was terrified for more reasons than one and was shaking as the technician injected my veins with some sort of radioactive substance.  I hated that I was being injected with something that I didn’t understand at the time and I hated feeling vulnerable and having no idea of what was coming next.  The man who did the injection was an ex-military member, huge, and very intimidating to look at but he ended up being one of two angels in disguise I met that day.  He was so kind, made me laugh, explained the process, and showed me the machine.  After the injection I had to wait two hours as the substance circulated through my body.  When I came back, he helped me onto the machine and because I am claustrophobic, he stayed with me in the room.  The machine, however, turned out to be rather slow so he eventually needed to tend to some other duties and asked another technician to sit with me.  I was motionless on the table and in complete silence because I was too afraid to talk in case it messed up the results.  Once the bulk of the machine was well past my face and over my abdomen however I managed a little whisper and asked the technician if I was allowed to talk.  He laughed and said yes.  I started asking him questions about the next test I would have to get in a couple of days, which was an MRI. The MRI also terrified me because I am extremely claustrophobic and I told him this.  The man was quiet for a moment and then said thoughtfully, “You just need to reframe the way you look at it and be thankful we have such amazing technology.  It’s saving a lot of lives.”

His wise words have been like a hand to hold through some pretty scary moments for me.  I made it through my MRI, CT, and other tests partly because of his words.  Did I like it?  No.  Did I want to have it done?  No.  But nevertheless, I am grateful for it.

2 – Support will come to you from the most unexpected places

I never expected that friends I rarely spoke to would pop up and cement themselves so firmly in my corner.  It has taught me a very important lesson (and one that I’m still working on), which is how to receive help.  I am learning how to lean in and connect because people are there who are reaching out and actually wanting to help.  And you don’t have to know them very well to be there for them.  It’s not always going to be the people you expect.  So the next time I may be too shy when wanting to pay it forward and help someone, and thinking why would I be a comfort for them when we rarely connect, I know that won’t be true.  Reach out and do it anyway.

3 – And in the most unexpected ways.

Help, support, and love doesn’t have to be a big grand gesture.  It’s the tiny little happy icons that pop up on my phone every few days from a friend that let me know she’s thinking of me.  It’s the meal that the neighbor brings, the cheerful card that comes to me every few weeks, or the hand massages that William and Colin like to give me, or David letting me go to bed early every night while he cleans up the kitchen, or one of the many other countless ways I have seen so many others help out.  Basically I have learned that I, myself, don’t have to extend some massive gesture to others to be helpful.  I can offer what I can in whatever capacity I am able to give.

4 – Bad things happen, but I still have power over my health.

I considered myself a healthy person before I was diagnosed with cancer but shit happens and there you go – I have an aggressive cancer at 43 years old.  But I am NOT a victim.  I can act.  I can research, change, grow, adapt, and become a better version of who I was before the diagnosis.  I want to be here to see my children and grandchildren grow up and I will do everything in my power to help that happen.  And you know what?  I still have the mindset of  a healthy person… just a healthy person who happens to be getting treatment for cancer, which is why I think I’m handling the harsh treatments so well.  In other words, I refuse to be passive.  When bad things happen, get into power mode, take ownership, and do the work!

General health update: The cancer is responding to the chemo very well and the tumors have shrunk considerably – well enough that I can get a lumpectomy rather than a full mastectomy.  I have 4 more treatments of chemo out of 16 to go!  Surgery will likely be the end of April or early May.  Then 30 rounds of radiation (I think), then I don’t know.  I’m trying to take it one step at a time!  I meet with my oncologist at the end of march to talk about the options and full plan.  I also think I have to be on a medication like tamoxifen for 5-10 years.  BUT everything is going quite well and moving in the right direction and looking great!  Keep the prayers up, please.  They’re helping!