This was a relatively low-key Thanksgiving for us.  No family visiting, just the six of us.  We started the day off with a bang, as usual.  The boys were going crazy from having been home with me all day on Wednesday.  As things would have it, when the boys go crazy, I go crazy (and vise-versa unfortunately)!   So we headed outside for a nice, long hike.  The weather was beautifully cool and crystal clear.  It was a perfect fall day.  However, to say the hike was uneventful and relaxing wouldn’t be completely accurate either.  I’ve come to accept the fact that when you have 4 boys under 7, there will always be dramatic and tense moments infused into everything we do.  I’m learning to embrace the crazy, but it’s a process!

As far as my job, I’m absolutely loving it.  Even the hard days that draw me far outside my comfort zone, I love.  It’s an interesting thing being an introvert in a job like psychiatric nursing.  I’m constantly being challenged and having to redefine myself, which is a blessing if you let it be.  It’s a very rewarding process to work with people who have hit rock bottom and watch as they pick up the pieces and get ready to give life another try.   Sometimes you can see the transformation before your eyes and other times, the situation isn’t as hopeful.  I’ve found that nobody is looking for advice or to have all their problems solved.  Oftentimes all they want is for someone to witness how hard life can be, to be offered a safe haven where they won’t be judged or defined by their mistakes, and to be reminded they are not alone.  Don’t we all wish for that?  Don’t we all deserve that?  I certainly hope so.

P.S. One evening, while I was feeling particularly harried at work and rushing all around, I darted to the conference room to look for a patient chart I needed.  When I opened the door, this sunset hit me in the face.  It was breathtaking.  I paused, took a few deep breaths and soaked it in.  No filter needed on this one.  It was magnificent.

Best. News. Ever.

I FINALLY got a job as a psychiatric nurse!!!!!  I went into nursing school knowing all I wanted to do was psych nursing and graduated with the same passion.  I refused to accept anything other than what I knew I wanted to specialize in and after 8 long years of constant rejection, I am finally victorious!

This will, of course, mean a HUGE change for our family.  I haven’t worked since I got married and not by choice but by sheer circumstance.  After orientation, a nurse works three 12-hour days a week so Owen will go into daycare at the same school that William and Colin attend for those three days (if all three fall during Mon-Fri, which is unlikely) and David has been allowed to modify his schedule enough to drop them off and pick them up on those days.

There is so much more to this change than just family logistics.  I think this will be a massive benefit on a number of different levels.  Aside from the financial boost, I have been in desperate need of a calling outside the home.

Do I love being a mom?  Yes.

Do I love being a stay-at-home mom?  Not so much.

In the beginning, I thought being a stay-at-home mom would make all my dreams come true.  I loved the idea of it and of being married and imagined it would bring me complete fulfilment.  But this has not been the case.  I have found staying home brings me much more frustration than happiness.  Answering this call for something else has meant a huge shift in my perspective about being a wife and a mother.  I WISH I was fulfilled by staying home.  I so desperately wished for this.  But when you come face to face with the fact that you are deeply unfulfilled, it calls for action.  I examined my own belief systems surrounding family and when it turned out my heart was leading me to a different truth, it got to the point I could no longer ignore it.  That’s the tough thing about belief systems – they are built on years upon years of ideas about the way you think things ought to be instead of the way your own path may be calling you.  And when you find your belief system is very different than your life experience, it’s a terrifying confrontation. So I consider this a time of redefining myself, my family, and the very first step of finding my purpose.  Who knows where this job will lead.  Hopefully to higher places, to more education (getting my master’s is on my radar), and ultimately more fulfilment.

Today is my sister and brother-in-law’s 20-year anniversary.  I remember their wedding like it was yesterday.  But aside from the beauty, fun, and excitement of the day, there is one moment that has been burned into my memory for all these years; the moment when Corey turned around and saw my sister, Jen, in her wedding dress for the first time.  I believe they were doing some pictures before the ceremony (if I remember that part correctly) so Corey stood facing a hallway and Jennifer came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder.  He turned around and a look that I can only describe as complete and utter love and adoration swept over him.  She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and his expression held the magnitude of that moment.  It was a look of awe, excitement, and anticipation knowing that in just a couple of hours, this amazing woman would be his wife forever.  I had never seen such a genuine moment like that before and a wave of emotion swept over me that has lingered all these years.  It was magic.

Twenty years has brought Jen and Corey two amazing children along with the many highs and lows of married life.  Perhaps they didn’t realize it but I’ve always been watching… and learning.  From their marriage I’ve seen them have moments that I thought would end it, but they stayed together.  I’ve seen them go from hardship to success and back many times, but they stayed together.  I’ve seen them face parenthood, friendships, and life’s tough moments with both despair and hope… but they faced it together.  I guess you could say I have really learned from their example what the words commitment and resilience mean and what it’s like to fight for family and to keep moving forward even when we don’t know what the future will bring.  They’ve taught me that life always brings new challenges and sometimes it’s just about putting one foot in front of the other and riding out the storm.  It really is about the journey we take with the people we love unconditionally, for better or worse.  They have inspired me to take off the rose-colored glasses we all bring into a marriage and get down and do the work because even after 20 years, they can still find the love and hope and excitement they had on their wedding day.  It’s always there, if we just choose to see it.

Happy Anniversary Jen and Corey!  You are an inspiration!

It has been a full couple of months. A metamorphosis of sorts. It began when I decided I needed to begin exercising again to get my body back to feeling healthy again. I started working out 5 days a week with 45 minutes of cardio. Then a light flipped on in me and I drastically changed my diet. I stopped eating any and all processed foods, cut meat and dairy down to almost nothing, and quit drinking my nightly glass of wine… or two. I began eating a mainly raw, plant-based diet of fruits and vegetables and drastically increased my water intake. Miraculously, I have had zero cravings for any of my old foods, lost 7lbs and still dropping, and eliminated the need for anxiety medication. It was a complete life-style change and oddly has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I am a firm believer that healing needs to happen from the inside out. Start with loving yourself unconditionally and you’ll find that you only want to fill yourself with things that contribute to your higher good.

As this was happening, David’s parents came to visit from Hawaii. They stayed the weekend before heading back to his mother’s hometown in New York and then stopping back to stay with us again before heading up to Washington to visit David’s sister. Their visit came at just the right time. Stress has been skyrocketing for David and I and we’ve been weary and beaten down. His parent’s visit completely rejuvenated us. Not only are they immensely helpful with day-to-day tasks, but their unconditionally supportive and loving presence was just what our hearts needed. There’s nothing like being surrounded by people who leave you feeling stronger than when they found you.

Then I watched in horror as my hometown of Charlottesville was invaded by racist, hate-loving lunatics. It was crushing to witness such ugliness arrive in a place that radiates beauty from its mountains to its people. I have no doubt that Charlottesville will heal even stronger than it was before. It glows brighter than any amount of darkness thrown at it. So should we all.

This weekend we had David’s brother Eddie and sister Anne come visit us. They were our first visit from David’s family in our new house and it was so wonderful having them here! Nathan and William were looking forward to having a fierce water gun fight with Uncle Eddie for weeks and I must say that it lived up to the hype! First thing after dinner on Friday it was on! The highs hit over 100 that day so it was a welcome way for everyone to cool off!

On Saturday we went to the watershed to walk around and let the boys play and hunt for tadpoles. Owen got to spend some quality time with Auntie Anne. Then we went to visit the peacocks for a little while before heading home for another water gun fight. Anne brought a couple of movies for the boys to watch and Colin became obsessed with a cartoon version of David and Goliath. We watched it over and over again and it’s still going strong! He wants to watch it immediately after he gets home from school! Saturday night we all went out to dinner and survived. Nathan and William are getting easier as far as going out to eat but Colin is pretty difficult. Luckily Owen will still happily fall asleep even in a crowded restaurant!

Sunday morning was the baptism for Colin and Owen. I’m still recovering from it. It was a disaster. After church cleared out we stuck around with one other family and all had the ceremony together in the back. Anne, Eddie, David, and myself stood there with Colin and Owen. This left nobody to keep an eye on Nathan and William and these two are crazy when left unattended. They started goofing off in the background. Quietly at first but it slowly got louder and louder. I kept looking over my shoulder to give them the scariest stink eye I could muster to hopefully terrify them into submission. When that didn’t work, Anne and Eddie stepped back to tell them to be quiet but that only worked for 20 seconds before they were back at it again. I could feel the sweat running down my back as I kept glaring at them until the deacon called me out for not paying attention. I felt like I was back in school and the teacher had just asked me a question that I couldn’t answer because I had no idea what had just been said. It was mortifying. The boys finally started settling down a bit and just when I thought the worst was over, I heard Colin whisper a very quiet “Poo-poo butt.” The blood froze in my veins. This was my worst nightmare. David and I exchanged terrified glances hoping it was just an isolated incident. Then another slightly louder “poo-poo butt” came. We both knew that if we hushed him and told him not to say that, he would begin to scream it at the top of his lungs. David began slowly and quietly talking to him telling him to say “amen” after the prayer. Now David was talking while the deacon was talking hoping to cover up Colin’s poo-poo butts. My heart began to race and I just wanted to crawl under a rock and hide. Finally, the ceremony ended and we all breathed a sigh of relief. We put Colin down to go chase his brothers and all was well again. Here are the two lovely pictures we took to make you think it was a flawless, happy experience for all involved…

Sunday night we all went to go see the bats off bat bridge downtown. For those of you who don’t know, every evening at sundown, millions of bats fly out from under Congress bridge. Austin is famous for it and it attracts quite a crowd. Then we took the long walk back to the car and went home. By the time we got back, all the boys had fallen asleep and we were able to sneak them into their beds. A true success.

Monday afternoon Anne and Eddie left to go back to Hawaii. We will miss them terribly. We all loved having them here and feel the loss of not having so much family close by. It’s priceless ❤

Lately, whenever David and I go anywhere with the kids, I feel like we whirl through places like a tornado. We don’t just pass through, we burst upon them never leaving them quite as they were found. The result leaves me consistently pulled out of my comfort zone, which is quiet, composed, and overly polite. To say this creates a lot of internal conflict for me would be the understatement of the year.

Last week David, the kids and I all piled out of the van and headed into MOD Pizza to grab a bite to eat since it was late and there was no hope of cooking dinner once we got home. As usual, we burst through the door and the kids were buzzing with excitement over going out to eat, which we rarely do due to the paragraph above.

I stood in line to order as David and the kids found a table. When the pizza came, with my usual frantic energy, I began cutting up Colin’s slice while I pleaded with the other two to sit down, be quiet and eat. About ½ way through the meal, Colin had to use the toilet so David took him back to use the restroom. Unbeknownst to David, while in the stall with Colin, another man came through the door. David had Colin stand on his feet so he could reach the toilet and loudly exclaimed “Ok! Big pee big pee!!!!” Colin is potty training and needs lots of encouragement when standing at the toilet. The other man, who didn’t realize David was in the stall with a toddler, started cracking up. When David came out of the stall with Colin, he started laughing even harder over the fact he thought David was in there alone and talking to himself. Meanwhile, I am trying to keep the other kids eating happily, calmly and quietly. I look over at another family with their kids all eating politely at the table. Instantly, feelings of shame washed over me. Their family looked like I wished ours looked. Calm, poised, and quiet. I let out a deep sigh and forged ahead trying to get everyone to eat their meal. Suddenly, William looked at me and asked, “Can I dance?” I paused and took another deep breath. I realized I was at a crossroads. Here was an opportunity to either keep my child’s heart joyous or try to put a lid on him. I could try and force my kids to act like that other family, or I could embrace what we are.

I smiled. “Sure.”

William got up and began dancing. Then Colin, who was never sitting anyway, began dancing. Then Nathan, who was complaining about his tomato sauce, stopped complaining and began dancing. Pretty soon, I had three boys dancing their hearts out in the middle of the restaurant. Everyone looked over and smiled. Some people laughed but others mainly just smiled… including myself. I hope I always have kids who dance. And I hope they continue to dance as they grow. It occurred to me that while that other family sitting quietly at the table may be doing something right, maybe I am too.

Motherhood is not glamorous or clean. It goes without trophies or awards and oftentimes we blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong yet never take credit for when anything goes right. We question ourselves constantly and push through far too many moments of exhaustion and exasperation than we care to admit. But this morning when little Colin joyously exclaimed “Happy Mother’s Day mama!” without any prompting and William and Nathan threw their arms around me and Owen smiled and cooed, I just wanted to stop time. I hope one day they’ll understand just how much I love them and how happy they’ve made me. I hit the mama jackpot with these four.

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I have nothing particularly profound to write about in this post. But if I waited until every time I had some massive epiphany, this would be a very empty blog.

I am going back to the podiatrist tomorrow to check the status of my broken foot, which feels much better. However, now my right foot is stiff and the ankle is swelling. There are two possibilities according to Dr. Google. 1 – My foot/ankle has a tendon injury causing swelling and some pain. Perhaps it is related to having to compensate for my other foot being in a boot. 2 – I have a cancerous tumor compromising my lymphatic drainage causing swelling in my ankle and I likely only have a few months left to live. Considering the alternative (which I have actually lost some sleep over), I will gladly take having to wear a boot on my right foot now!

The kids are doing alright. Nathan has been a particular pain lately with not listening and having a general sour attitude. William has been the master instigator of rambunctious behavior in the evening. Colin has decided that he is a night owl and fights for his life going to bed. David is in the process of moving his department from the old hospital to the new one, creating very busy days with long hours. Owen so far is the only one on the right track and has slept through the night for the past three nights in a row. At least I am getting a break somewhere!

I think that is all I have to say. Please keep your fingers crossed that the podiatrist doesn’t tell me I am going to die.

I came to a realization over Easter this year. A lesson that probably seemed obvious to anyone who knows us, but for some reason eluded me. Our life is messy. Our life is loud… very loud, chaotic, and at times difficult, exhausting, and confusing.

Backstory: I broke my foot while pregnant but didn’t discover this until Friday when I had X-rays done. It was a stress fracture from pregnancy weight, carrying children while pregnant, exercising without shoes while pregnant, etc. Anyway, I am stuck in a boot for 4 weeks until I go back to the doctor. Then, this morning I threw out my neck/upper back. It was awful. I could hardly move and getting the boys ready for church in my state of hobbling around with a broken foot and a stiff neck was less than pretty. When I physically couldn’t even get into the car, I decided to bow out and stay home with Owen, which proved to be difficult enough. I had gone through great lengths to pick out nice little outfits for the boys, get dressed up myself, and grab the camera with the intention of shooting a nice Easter photo with all four boys looking smartly at the camera and sitting still. This, my friends, did not happen. Instead, my boys flew through the door when they got home from church and flung their clothes off so they could have a water fight with their new water guns… thanks Easter Bunny 😉

The water fight ensued with shrieks of fury as William decided Nathan wasn’t allowed to shoot because the water was simply too cold. Nathan could have cared less about William’s protest and continued to blast him anyway. Eventually they all got into it and ran through the yard soaking wet and covered in dirt. Believe it or not, I hadn’t taken off my pretty dress because in the back of my mind I was still hoping beyond hope to get that perfect Easter picture of everyone. But once the water fight was finished, they decided to take their ribbons and have a “ribbon fight” on the trampoline in their underwear. It was at this point between my screams at them to keep it quiet and stop fighting with each other, I shot a couple of pictures of my two oldest while Owen slept peacefully and Colin scampered around the yard trying to decide if he was brave enough to get in the trampoline with my other two crazies.

After taking my pictures, I popped on Facebook for a few minutes. Immediately dozens and dozens of pictures of very nicely dressed children posing for pictures filled my page. I instantly began to feel bad and inadequate. My boys were anything but clean and nicely dressed and I was anything but composed and calm. I took a deep breath and realized there is just no use in pretending to have it all together. I don’t. Not even close. But look at these spirited ribbon-fighting kids. They’re mine. And if I were a kid again myself, I think I’d be having the time of my life on that trampoline. I took a deep breath, hung my dress back on the hanger and threw on some comfortable clothes. My life will never look polished and I don’t think I’ll ever quite measure up to the mom I want to be, but I’ll be damned if I ever feel bad about it again. Sometimes you don’t get the Rembrandt-type picture you wanted… but Picasso wasn’t too bad either.

We survived our first few weeks as a family of six! Truthfully, this has gone so much easier than I thought it would. Granted I still haven’t done a full morning getting the boys ready and taking them to school by myself, which will be tough, but everything else has gone beautifully. Owen is an amazingly easy baby who can sleep through absolutely anything. I swear he got used to the sound of chaos while still in the womb because very little phases him other than being hungry or peeing his onsie!

The older boys have reacted very sweetly to him, with Colin in particular. He is so gentle with him and truly seems to love being a big brother. He’ll help throw away dirty diapers in the trash and loves to snuggle him. I was bracing myself for jealous fits but they never happened and it’s been very touching to see. And since I’ve been home from the hospital, the boys have generally been very well behaved. Mind you I didn’t say “calm” or “quiet” but as well behaved as a 6, 4, and 2-year-old rambunctious boy can be and far better than they were during the end of my pregnancy!

I have also felt 100x better now that the pregnancy is over. I am back on top of my game again and looking forward to losing the weight and feeling my best. From the moment I left the hospital and through those first 3 days, I have to admit I was a bit of an emotional mess. I was very weepy over everything and devastated over the thought that I likely just had my last baby. I couldn’t bear the thought of not having another at first and it was making me cry all the time. But now that the dust has settled, I am feeling much better. I suspect that things will continue to improve even more as I move through this postpartum period.

As with each pregnancy and new baby, I learn a lot about myself. I come through the other side feeling stronger and more settled in myself each time. It’s almost as though pregnancy breaks me down and birth rebuilds me. I am really going to love being a mom to 4 boys. I can feel it. Owen is like a missing puzzle piece that has finally been placed – and the finished picture is quite beautiful.