Who knew that hiking in the back yard could be so full of adventure mixed with a little bit of drama?

We live backed up to the woods/brush among the hills. David has started taking Nathan on long hikes in an effort to wear him out a bit during the afternoons. The hikes last for a little over an hour and include trampling through brush, crossing streams, and making your way through briars, fallen trees, and some occasionally easy path to follow. This morning Nathan wanted the whole family to come along much to my, William and Colin’s dismay. I tried to explain that we were going to cook breakfast while he was gone but he insisted that he was going to hunt some sort of animal and bring breakfast back for me to cook when he got home. The enthusiasm was so great that we couldn’t resist and got all bundled up (it was in the upper 30’s) and began our adventure.

We walked along invigorated by the cold and excitement of what was to come. After making our way along the back of the building we set off into the woods, Nathan carrying a massive stick to hunt with that kept nearly missing our heads every time he passed by. Everything was easy enough until we got deep into the brush and started getting tangled in thorns and tripping over sticks and logs. David was carrying Colin and William was complaining because we weren’t going the way he wanted to go. Before you know it, Nathan started complaining about I don’t know what and both the boys insisted that we go in different directions. Eventually we made up our minds and set off once again. Nathan then began getting mad about something else (again, I have no idea what) and poked David with the stick, which David then grabbed and threw far into the woods since Nathan wasn’t changing his attitude. This seemed to sober Nathan up a bit and we trudged on once again.

After we made it through the thick of the woods and brush, Nathan declared he had to poop and couldn’t hold it until we got home. David had to carry Nathan into the woods once again so he could do his business. When they came back out Nathan looked very pleased and declared that David was a wonderful toilet… and then stated he wasn’t finished yet. So David took him back into the woods and as soon as we were about to set off again, Nathan again declared he wasn’t finished yet. So back into the woods they went until we were all able to get started again.

We discovered deer tracks, ringtail tracks, and a track that Nathan was convinced was a bear that probably killed the deer he was planning to bring back for breakfast. Then William walked through a puddle of water and got his shoes soaking wet. It went downhill from that point on. David was still carrying Colin and now William was convinced that he just couldn’t walk another step unless David was carrying him too. We convinced him to toughen up like a survivor man but that only worked for so long. Eventually, when we made it to walkable trail, David ended up looking like this…

Finally, over 2 hours later, we arrived back home. As much as I love going on adventures through the wilderness, I think I will pass on this one the next time, unless Nathan wants to go alone, which I hear is a far easier experience than bringing the entire family along. I truly wonder if other families have this much chaos when going on a simple walk. My best guess would be, no, they don’t.

Tues. 12/8
I am sitting in a coffee shop (Starbucks – big surprise there) while I wait for my dad to get done leading a group counseling session. I touched down in Los Angeles just a couple of hours ago. Other than seeing my dad, which is always a special treat, I have to admit that I was dreading being back in LA again. But just a mere two hours into this visit, I have come to some important realizations.

1: I do not hate LA. I couldn’t believe that as the plane began to land, feelings of excitement actually began to creep in. Not just to see my dad, but to be back again. I have screamed to the hilltops and back about how much I have hated it here over the years and how I never really belonged here. But as I sit here now, I feel like I am back in my hometown again and it’s a surprising sensation. That’s not to say I am not thrilled with Austin and deeply happy we relocated there – because I am both. But it genuinely feels good to be back. I finally get to enjoy LA instead of survive it.

2: I miss my dad. Not much makes me happier than spending time with my dad and this trip, I get to have him all to myself. He gets along with David so well that I often complain to Dave that he is “hogging dad” when we get together! But this trip, sans kids, it gets to be just me and him and I’m happy about that J

And now, it’s off to dinner and the theater!

Wed. 12/9
I am DONE!!! I finished my final presentation today for nursing school. I can’t believe it. A lot of new faces have come and gone throughout this program but I walked out the door with the same four people I sat in class with on the first day. It was an indescribable feeling – almost bittersweet. We said our congratulations, good-bye’s, let’s-keep-in-touch’s and I walked out the door to the parking lot where my dad was waiting to pick me up. I got in the car and immediately burst into tears. All the hardships, sacrifices, triumphs, and sheer determination fell upon me. It was as though I never allowed myself to really pay attention to how hard it all was while I was going through it, but in that moment I saw what I had accomplished. And I was proud.

Thurs. (written Friday) 12/10

Travel day and general chaos of a family outing. David and the kids and I had tickets to go to Austin’s Trail of Lights. This is no small event. It’s like a little Christmas festival and requires a lengthy walk through a trail of lights and other decorations until you make it a mile down the road to Santa. After Santa there is still quite a way to go until you make it back to the beginning and then have to walk all the way back to the car. I will say, objectively, that it was beautiful, loads of fun and something I want to make a yearly tradition. But this is not how the night went. In the general chaos of getting out the door to beat the crowds (I had paid extra for a special ticket allowing for early entry), I was feeling on edge. Waking up early, dealing with the insanity of LAX, and arriving back to a messy house was less than relaxing. Combine that with children who were behaving badly, I was sent nearly over the edge. Eventually we managed to get out the door, drive an hour through rush hour traffic, make a few wrong turns, and finally arrived at the event. As we parked, I realized how massive this thing was but it looked amazing and I couldn’t wait to get going… until, with complete and utter horror, I discovered I forgot the boys’ shoes. I nearly died. There was no going back home and there was no rescheduling. The boys were thrilled to see the lights and we had fought so hard to get there. Again, my frayed nerves almost lost it. David said we were going to charge ahead anyway with or without shoes. The solution was for me to carry Colin in the Ergo, William would go in the stroller and Nathan would sit on David’s shoulders. This would have been fine if the walk hadn’t been so long. Long story short, the boys walked barefoot in the dark some of the ways, my legs were killing me from walking so far with Colin strapped to me and David forged ahead while the boys took turns in the stroller and on his shoulders. A fun evening turned into a mini nightmare. The kids were hyper from not expending much energy since they were being carried and David and I were exhausted. Nonetheless, I am happy we went. I am looking forward to going again next year (knowing what we know now) and of course, forcing everyone to put on their shoes before they get in the car. Mom of the year, I am not.

I have been uncharacteristically excited about this holidays this year. Perhaps it’s because the kids are getting older and the wonders and joys of the season are more exciting to them now. Maybe it’s because I get to cook the dinners myself and we can create our own traditions. I don’t know what it is but I am soaking it all up!

I was SO excited to cook Thanksgiving dinner this year. I have never cooked anything other than dessert for the holidays before and was terrified things wouldn’t turn out… especially since I tried all new recipes. And despite Nathan’s protests that he should hunt the turkey in the wilderness, pluck the feathers and roast it himself, we bought one at the grocery store. I brined it before hand and I think that was the magic trick that made it come out so delicious and moist. I made green beans with onions and tomatoes, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie. The only thing that didn’t turn out was the gravy, which resulted in me sending David out on a frantic trip to the grocery store to buy some. I was supposed to use the drippings from the turkey but there were next to none in the bottom of the pan. I don’t understand it. But since good gravy seems to stress me out so much, I think I’ll stick to buying it from now on.

Before kids, Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday. I never cared for Christmas and dreaded it every year but since having kids, Christmas is slowly making it’s way back up to the top of my list. To make things even better, there are so many wonderful things to do here around this time of year. Now that it’s officially December, I can start planning out new traditions. One tradition that I started about 9 years ago is going to see the Nutcracker every year. Unfortunately, since the kids were born, we have only managed to get out and see it once, but I am pleased to report that I have childcare lined up and we bought our tickets once again! Before I met David, I dragged my dad to see it each year. After David came into the picture, my dad was almost gleeful to hand the tradition of taking me over to him. But he didn’t get off the hook that easily since I insisted the three of us now go see it together. Ha! But since dad is safely in California, he now is protected from suffering through another ballet production.

Next week I fly back to Los Angeles for my absolute last assignment for all of nursing school! I have to give a 30-minute presentation on a group project and then I can finally close the door it. I can’t even describe the growing elation I am feeling about finally being done! To replace nursing school, I am now signing up for classes about things I actually enjoy – like writing and photography! Yay!

I can’t say that my trip to CA doesn’t come without some anxiety. The longest I have ever been away from any of my kids is 7 hours. This time, I’ll be gone for en entire day and a half. Yikes! But David has taken off work so he can stay home with them so I know they will be in good hands. But still, I can’t help but worry. Although I must admit that my worry alternates with complete glee over this mini working vacation. In fact, I think it’s safe to say I am entirely guilt-free 😉

I had another “I don’t know whether to laugh or cry” day a few weeks ago. Perhaps it was more of a “cry during and laugh after” type of moment. I’ll start by saying that I had the whole morning planned out to run smoothly and seamlessly. Nathan has a soccer game on Saturday mornings. Sometimes we all go together and other times David takes Nathan by himself. Well this particular Saturday David had a training session at work, which meant I would have had to take all three kids to the soccer game alone. Since all three are engaged in completely different activities (William on the playground, Nathan on the soccer field, and Colin crawling around on the grass probably eating small bugs) there was no way I was going to attempt to do this by myself so I was resigned to the fact Nathan would just have to miss a game. However, his coach generously offered to pick him up, take him to the game and bring him home afterwards. It was so kind and we were thrilled that Nathan wouldn’t have to miss a game, even though we wouldn’t be there to see it. Well, my plan was that when the coach came to pick Nathan up, Colin would be napping, William would be engaged in a TV show and I could take Nathan outside to wait for the coach, calmly put him in the car and send him on his way. Unfortunately, this is not what happened.

As the time drew nearer for Nathan to be picked up, I started to work on putting Colin down for a nap. Little Colin, however, had other plans. He was in no way tired or ready to even think about napping. No big deal, I’ll just take him outside with me and perhaps William (the real challenging one who likes to dart away from me) would be happy to stay inside and look at the iPad. Well Colin began to settle down so I gave him a bottle in his chair. Then the phone rang and it was Nathan’s coach saying he was on his way. I wasn’t quite ready so I began to scramble around getting Nathan dressed. By now, the coach would be here any second so I let Colin drink his bottle, William had the iPad and I went with Nathan outside to wait. We walked across the little courtyard to wait by the street and a mere two seconds after we got there, I could hear William frantically screaming because he had been left behind. I ran back to the house only to discover that William had locked the door from the inside. I began to panic. I screamed (as calmly as I could if screaming and calmly can both go in the same sentence) to William to unlock the door. He couldn’t do it. I started to run with Nathan back and forth from the road to the house in a complete haze of “Oh my god what am I going to do?!?!” I didn’t want to miss the coach and I couldn’t leave William screaming by himself. Finally, the coach arrived. I flung Nathan at him and shrieked that William had locked himself and Colin in the house. He said something but I have no idea what it was since I was already back at the front door. Thankfully, I had my cell phone and frantically called the front office saying I had locked both my babies inside the house and was stuck. All the while William was still screaming, Colin was silent (which just led me to fear he had suddenly died) and I was yelling instructions to William on how to unlock the door.

It must have been 60 seconds after I hung up the phone that two men raced down and unlocked the garage so I could go in the through the laundry room. I thought the whole ordeal was over and breathed a massive sigh of relief only to discover the laundry room door was locked too. The men raced back up the leasing office to get the key for the front door (why they didn’t bring one down the first time is beyond me). By this time William had stopped screaming. As calmly as I could I explained to him one more time how to unlock the door (there are three locks) and William magically did exactly as I told him. I burst through the door expecting to see him a complete mess and Colin barely alive. To my great relief, Colin was in his chair finishing his bottle as if nothing had happened and the only thing on William that was bleeding was his toe from me accidentally smashing it when I burst through the door.

I called the leasing office to tell them the emergency was over and gave William a huge hug. I said, “William! You scared me very badly!” And he answered back with his sweetest, cutest voice “Oh I’m so sorry mommy!” The ordeal was far from funny while it was going on, but even as I am writing this, I can’t help but laugh a little 🙂

I’ve come to realize something lately and it’s very simple – I am a creative being. I have been working out the left side of my brain for a very long time. I’ve done marvelously at it; acing every physiology, anatomy, pharmacology, pathophysiology, etc class I’ve ever taken. I achieved a deep sense of satisfaction with every A I got. But it was not a peaceful satisfaction. Rather it was the type of satisfaction I imagine a boxer feels when he lands himself a knockout – an “I’ll show you!” type of satisfaction. Perhaps it stems from performing so horribly throughout my entire elementary, middle, and high school years. Perhaps it was from the hidden defeat I felt at seeing others achieve academic success when I had resigned myself to complete indifference, aversion, and distain for any type of schooling. Who knows? But I’ve reached a point in my life where I can safely say “mission accomplished.” I did it. I proved wasn’t stupid. But there has been something sorely missing. While I was busy – or not busy – at nearly failing most of my classes in high school, I was furiously writing. I wrote poetry, essays, short stories, anything I could think of. I would write on paper bags at work or takeout menus or napkins when I could find nothing else to write on. I would stay up until 4 or 5am writing with purpose and passion almost every single night. It came effortlessly through me and I completely surrendered to it. Then suddenly, for reasons unknown, I stopped. That creative muscle slowly began to atrophy over the years until whatever life force I had, fell asleep. But lately it has been knocking on the door again. I make terrible grammatical errors, spelling mistakes (thank you spell check!), and have little patience for proofreading – but it’s back on my doorstep again. I’ve decided that instead of dismissing it as useless or a waste of time that could otherwise be productive, I am going to honor it. I invite creativity back in! Perhaps it will be a short visit, but I hope not. I realize I’ve missed far more of myself than I am comfortable with. So bear with me. It’s a muscle that I hope to keep working out with consistency and dedication. I will also be learning to play piano again (something I’ve also sorely missed) and taking a photography class at a local photography school in January as well as the creative writing classes I am signing up for. I have no agenda other than to say hello to myself again and hopefully, if I am lucky, connect with others. I am so excited I can barely stand it.

I feel the need for a start fresh here in Texas, so I have switched blogs. I am going to post things like poetry I’ve written in addition to my usual updates. I hope to post more frequently even it’s short. The time for a change has come 🙂

Things here have been going quite well. Today I had my first ever parent-teacher conference at Nathan’s school. I was bracing myself for doom, especially after some dismal test results I received from the school district. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised. Nathan has grown tremendously since the beginning of the school year. He still struggles greatly with his fine motor skills to the point that it hinders his ability to do schoolwork but we are going to begin intensive therapy for that, which will begin soon. But academically he is pretty much right where he should be. Socially, he has found his rhythm. There are still deficits but he is functioning. This is tremendously good news considering where we were during the first couple of weeks in school when they told me he may not be able to function in a regular classroom environment. The teacher is happy. I am happy. And above all else, Nathan is happy.

I have a series of meetings coming up to finalize the IEP plan and go over the massive slew of assessments that have been conducted over the past couple of months. One thing remains clear through all of this, Nathan is very uncooperative on standardized tests, which results in dismal scores that do not in any way reflect his true ability or level of functioning. I’ve learned this the hard way. The first test result I ever got back stated that he may not even be able to understand spoken language. That moment nearly broke me. It was in the early days when everything was unsure and only time would tell if the results of the assessments were accurate. They were very scary and very lonely times. Since then, Nathan continues to make progress by leaps and bounds despite whatever the tests predict.

So next week I have a meeting to go over the dismal 34-page test results and then another meeting to go over and finalize the education plan and services he will receive through the school district. Fun, fun, fun.

William started a new school this week. I was fighting traffic every day getting him to and from the old school. I picked the school before we moved here and I had no idea how bad the traffic would be (nothing compared to LA – but still an inconvenience). I had no idea there was a great little preschool directly across the street, so I took a tour last week and decided it would fit perfectly and there you have it. I dramatically decreased my morning stress and found a school that William will be happy and that I like better anyway.

Colin is as curious and playful as ever. He continues to try and pull all the books off the shelves and eat them. This happens several times a day and can get a little old. I am hoping he loses interest in the books soon enough. He is still a very easy baby to go on outings with, for which I remain deeply grateful. I can take him grocery shopping, on errands, etc and he rarely fusses unless he is hungry or tired. He loves to watch his brothers and always tries to involve himself by crawling over to wherever they are playing and chew on their toys. It’s cute but Nathan and William don’t like it very much.

As for me and David, it’s more of the same. I am done with school in another month and a half and David is plugging away at work. But one thing is clear, we are happy with our lives right now and where we are living. It’s as though someone opened all the windows and let fresh air into our lives. It feels great to breathe deeply.

It took no time at all for us to settle right into our new life here in Texas. We’ve been here for a little over five weeks and it feels like we’ve been here for years. I feel like I am finally bouncing back from the nightmare of living in Los Angeles and Austin has handed me my life back. And while I miss our family and friends, this is a great feeling!

(It is REALLY hot here! This particular day was brutal at 103 degrees and the boys show it!)

After a bit of a rough start, Nathan is settling into Kindergarten. Everything is still a bit unpredictable but we are taking things a day at a time. I told the teacher the main thing I want to see this year is growth. He may not be where the other kids are yet but as long as there has been both social and academic growth, I am happy. The public school environment may just not be for him, in which case we will homeschool. But for now, we’ll see how it goes. We have Nathan enrolled in soccer and so far he loves it 🙂 He says he really wants to play football so we’ll see about that too! I think the more he gets involved in sports, the better off he will be but since I have no athletic inclination whatsoever, I completely understand if it’s not for him. I would be just as happy with boys who loved piano or theater as I would with ones who love soccer and football!

(At the Austin Aquarium)

William settled into his new school as well and is very happy. After a few pouty faces the first couple of weeks, he now smiles happily when he goes into his classroom. He seems to have made a friend and really enjoys his days there. I love the school too and think it’s a great fit for him. He plays in a little sports league through his school on Thursdays and it’s pretty adorable to watch him play. Each week they learn to play a different sport. Last week it was basketball and the week before it was soccer. I want all kids to learn martial arts and play an instrument as well but this is a great little introduction into team sports and William loves it 🙂

(Feeding goats at the zoo.)

Colin is his usual busy little self. This kid is definitely not one for cuddles. He would much rather be moving around and exploring that getting snuggles, which was very different from William and Nathan, both of whom I could always count on for a squeeze or nap with mama. He is starting to walk with his walker (this is the first time we have ever had one) and is so proud of himself when he makes it across the floor!

(Feeding birds at the aquarium.)

David is liking his new job a lot. He’s still in training and will be until after the holidays so we are getting used to a typical five days per week schedule. He is just as happy about living in Texas as I am and we are having a blast exploring all the state parks and seeing everything our new home has to offer.

(Our Saturday night music spot.)

I think the main thing I have noticed over the past few weeks is how overwhelmed I have been with gratitude lately. I feel so grateful for my family, for our new home, and for what feels like a second chance to be happy. It’s all very, very good.

 

We made it to Texas!

There have definitely been a few realizations that crossed my path since this process began. It feels almost like giving birth and letting go all at the same time. Most of it has to do with marriage, family, and self and was the result of going through such an emotionally charged time when we really had to pull together so we could move forward.

Here is what I realized:
I’ve decided that marriage isn’t something that just happens to you. It’s as though one doesn’t just get married, one becomes married over time. It’s a slow metamorphosis. Instead of being focused on what’s best for me or what I want to do, it becomes what’s best for us and what do we want to do. What’s going to benefit our family? And this usually involves a bit of self-sacrifice. At first, I thought that was a bad thing. If you had asked me 10 years ago, I would have said that anything that involves even the slightest bit of self-sacrifice is wrong and unhealthy for you. Today, I no longer think this is true. I think it’s part of growing up, having a family, and loving others.

Letting go to me means no longer being the center of my own universe. As with getting married, it doesn’t automatically happen the second you have a family. I’ve had my own education and career plans for as long as I can remember and have been breaking my back in school for the past few years. One degree is around the corner (finished in December) and I was planning on getting my master’s immediately afterwards. But somehow this just isn’t sitting so well with me anymore. I am really feeling the strain of constantly dividing my attention and the result is that nothing gets the focus it deserves. Our family keeps growing, my kids are getting bigger and David is finally done with graduate school. The only time I don’t feel like I am completely wasting my time and energy is when I am spending it at home with my children and husband and that should tell me something.

I guess the process of uprooting myself and my family made me fairly introspective. Leaving California was filled with mixed emotions. I generally felt thrilled to finally be getting out but that was also mixed with feeling like I couldn’t believe we were bold and brazen enough to actually go through with it. It was also full of very painful goodbyes. Saying goodbye to my dad was the hardest. I cried for hours. I’ll never forget how I couldn’t believe one person could feel so many different emotions all at the same time.
But now that we’re finally here, things have settled down and we are all settling in. So far so good. I love it here. I love the slower pace of life, the friendly people, and the open countryside.

We have been dealing with some heavy topics around here lately. Nathan has had a lot of questions about death (What happens when we die? Are mommy and daddy ever going to die? Why do we die?) and things of that nature. This is happening sooner than I expected it to and caught me fairly off guard. I am answering as best and honestly as I can in a way that instills in him a sense of faith, peace, love, and the appropriate level of developmental understanding. I find the more comfortable and at peace I am, the better I am able to answer him. But it’s hard to see him get very sad over the fact that at some point (hopefully not for a very long time!) we will all pass away. He gets emotional about it and tells me he never wants to get older so that I won’t get older and that way he can “save me” so I don’t die. It’s a delicate territory to navigate but I think we are doing it well so far.

William is as goofy and strong-willed as ever. He really wants to do everything himself… everything. And if I help him in any way whatsoever then he feels it necessary to start all over again. It’s infuriating and adorable all at the same time and is bringing me to the realization that toddlerhood does not bring out the best in me!

Colin is just as sweet as can be and is getting bigger every day. I really didn’t think it was possible to have a baby that is this easy. He is, however, very loud. He makes a screeching pterodactyl type sound that allows me to easily locate David in Costco whenever we get separated. He’s a long and lean baby and seems to be pleased with whatever we are doing, whenever we are doing it. 🙂

I have 4 weeks left to this semester with 2 very large projects due and 5 smaller ones. But even with all that hanging over my head, I feel like the end is near and the relief associated with that is blooming! David is in the middle of his FINAL quarter of business school. We have sacrificed so much for this degree for so long that the mere fact we are almost done is almost too much to comprehend. I can’t imagine how much easier things are going to get when David is done. And then when I am done. Just imagine – parenting and living life without being in school at the same time! It’s a very exciting concept!

In other news, we have acquired three pet snails that are still going strong after a week and one lizard we caught but then set free. Let the critter collecting begin!

I remember the first time David and I had all three kids in the car for the first time a couple of months ago. I hesitantly looked behind me knowing that once I turned around, the full reality that we were a family of 5 would hit me. And hit me it did. I looked back at Nathan and William (engaged in some sort of dispute over I don’t know what) and saw the once empty spot where there was yet another car seat with an actual baby in it. I slowly turned back to the front and looked at David out of the corner of my eye and said, “We have a lot of kids, Dave.”

I must say the feeling was not pure joy and bliss and all things pretty and bright. It was more of a terrified and shocked kind of feeling as though someone had just dropped a new baby on us without any warning. I thought to myself that I would never adjust. Never feel comfortable with 3. Never get to the point where I felt I could handle life.

I am very relieved to say that I have reached that point. I don’t know how or when it happened, but it did. Not only did we all adjust, but we did so with amazing ease. It was almost effortless how easily Colin settled into our family. I can’t even fathom what life was like now before he arrived. I find it strange how strangers and new parents in the doctors office now ask me for parenting and new baby advice when they hear I have three kids. How did that happen?!?! I find myself becoming more and more zen the more kids we have. Maybe I just love being a mother and having kids. Or maybe having 2 very rambunctious boys has mellowed me out just for the sake of preserving my own sanity? Maybe I just seem zen but it’s really just that those raw nerves have been exposed so frequently that I now have a higher threshold. Whatever the reason, I am thankful for it.